Portfolio of Hope

When I was ill, I would spend my days scrolling through my instagram feed,

page after page of food and ‘recovery’ accounts,

the reality is- all that it was feeding was my ED.

I’d want to take my eyes off of the screen,

but I couldn’t.

It was like I was possessed by some external force, my eyes were fixated to so many images of food that I wouldn’t allow myself to have.

People talk about ‘food porn’ as if it’s a real thing.

Is it real? I don’t know.

What is real is the guilt that I would feel, as if somehow by just looking at food I would be consuming calories.

People  don’t get it.

They don’t get that this was my reality.

I wasn’t being a ‘drama queen.’

I wasn’t ‘doing it for attention.’

I was ill.

I had to live that way day in day out, and that was hard- so hard.

Seeing ‘#strongnotskinny’ everywhere.

Emaciated looking bodies posing in front of the camera, showing off their ‘abs’ on their 0% fat bodies.

Don’t be mistaken- that is not strong. It’s solely an excuse used to remain in the safe arms of an eating disorder.

Eating ‘clean.’

Exercising to ‘gain muscle’, even though your focus is always on cardio.

You’re not fooling anyone.

Stop with the ‘#strongnotskinny’ and the ‘#thinspo.’

Start with the ‘#recovery’, and make it REAL recovery.

By real recovery I don’t mean you have to be eating whole pints of ice cream every night like Instagram tells us we should (unless you want to eat a whole pint of ice cream of course.)

Nor do you don’t need to consume 3000 calories a day to say that you are in recovery.

You just need to trust your body.

Trust yourself, not your ED.

And when I say this, believe me- when you are in recovery you will just know.

Everything will feel right- more peaceful, more happy.

You will have your life back.


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