I’ve always struggled to get my emotions across.
The day I found out my Grandad had cancer I went training like everything was normal
but I didn’t feel normal.
Between 1k reps I had to try to stop the tears from flowing.
This carried on throughout my teenage years.
When I started therapy I would be asked questions like;
‘Do you think you’re fat’
‘Do you think you have an eating disorder.’
At first I said ‘no’
then I said ‘I don’t know’
and then I started saying nothing.
And then I cried
for a really long time.
I broke down and I admitted everything.
I didn’t know I could cry.
I became so used to saying that I was okay
even when I felt like I was dying inside
that I actually convinced myself that it was the truth.
I don’t like to be seen as vulnerable,
I still don’t.
The difference is that now I do show emotion.
It might be hard but I do admit when I’m struggling
and I smile genuine smiles now.
I don’t only smile when I’m hungry.
And you will never understand how good that feels after years of hiding myself away.