Portfolio of Hope

I’ve always struggled to get my emotions across.

The day I found out my Grandad had cancer I went training like everything was normal

but I didn’t feel normal.

Between 1k reps I had to try to stop the tears from flowing.

This carried on throughout my teenage years.

When I started therapy I would be asked questions like;

‘Do you think you’re fat’


‘Do you think you have an eating disorder.’

At first I said ‘no’

then I said ‘I don’t know’

and then I started saying nothing.

And then I cried

for a really long time.

I broke down and I admitted everything.

I didn’t know I could cry.

I became so used to saying that I was okay

even when I felt like I was dying inside

that I actually convinced myself that it was the truth.

I don’t like to be seen as vulnerable,


I still don’t.

The difference is that now I do show emotion.

It might be hard but I do admit when I’m struggling

and I smile genuine smiles now.

I don’t only smile when I’m hungry.

And you will never understand how good that feels after years of hiding myself away.

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