At 4:30 this morning I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind was plagued by, what I now realise, were completely irrational thoughts. What kept me awake for so long? You might wonder. The fear of eating a Panini. Yes, you read that right. I was so scared at the thought of eating a Panini for lunch several hours later, that I couldn’t sleep. Not only did I have the fear swimming round in my head, my mind had also convinced me that I was extremely ‘full.’ I was laid there feeling really uncomfortable and restless. Not an ideal situation to be in, in the early hours of the morning.
When I got up a few hours later, the voice in the back of my head was still there, this time to convince me that the only way I could justify eating an increased lunch is to compensate by eating less for other meals. I recognised that by eating a smaller breakfast I would be giving in to my eating disorder, and so I didn’t’ listen to it. That voice was still there, but I didn’t allow it to control my actions.
As lunch was approaching, I found myself getting increasingly anxious. I felt a bit sick, my mood wasn’t great, and I was trying to think of all the ways I could get away with not eating a Panini for lunch- feed it to the dog for tea, or have it tomorrow. But that would be giving in to my eating disorder again. I know from experience that tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow will become the day after and then the day after that. The only way to overcome my irrational fears is to challenge them, and so that is exactly what I did, and intent to do, for the rest of my life.
I ate the panini for lunch.
I won.
Lisa-1, Anorexia-0.
Before eating it, as I have said, I felt very anxious, scared. During? I didn’t have much going through my mind. I was enjoying the flavours (it was a vegan bbq chicken Costa Panini.) After I had eaten it I felt the familiar fullness that my mind convinces me is fatness. I distracted myself from my feelings by watching TV to take my mind off them, and then a bit later, getting my thoughts down, as I am doing now, via this blog.
The key takeaway from today is that irrational fears are just that, irrational. No matter how much my mind tries to tell me that the lies it spouts are true, they aren’t. I ate the Panini and nothing happened. I wasn’t labelled as ‘unhealthy’, I didn’t gain weight. Nothing whatsoever happened.
I hope that next time I eat a Panini, or any challenging ‘fear foods’, the eating disorder will have less of an influence over my thoughts, for I have proven that no food is to be feared, it is to be enjoyed.
Life is too short to lay awake worrying about eating a Panini, or any food for that matter. I refuse to waste my life listening to a stupid thing in my head. I am stronger than Anorexia. I can do this, and I will- for the sake of myself, my family, and my future.
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