Portfolio of Hope

I’ve always been what I can only describe as a ‘deep thinker’, even from a really young age. I used to, (as I still do), question everything, to the extent that, at Christmas time, I found the mere prospect of ‘Santa’- a strange man creeping into my bedroom once a year whilst I was sleeping- absolutely terrifying. I couldn’t understand how anyone could be excited by this. I enjoyed Christmas just as much as the next kid, but Santa? That was something that I could not get behind.

My ‘philosophical’ outlook on life is something that stayed with me throughout my teenage years, and is something that continues to stay with me as I muddle my way through adulthood. Sometimes, I like this quality- I like that I don’t accept things as ‘right’ just because ‘that’s the way they’ve always been.’ It sees me being unafraid to veer away from the crowd, choosing instead to forge my own path, via whichever way seems most ‘logical’ to me. Sometimes, though, I do find that it can be a bit of a hindrance to me.

The reason why I sometimes struggle to accept my overthinking as being a ‘good’ quality of mine, is because I believe that my tendency to think extremely ‘deeply’ about things (i.e., everything), is a key factor that has contributed to my anxiety and depression, and perhaps even, in some respects, my eating disorder.

You see, when I’m feeling really low, my head goes to some very dark places. During these times, I find myself questioning the point of existence.

I ‘philosophise’ about things that most people don’t really think about, things like; ‘Why am I here?’, and ‘What is the purpose of my life/life in general?’

Something that I am starting to accept, however, is that questions like those posed above, are ones which we will most likely never have answers for, no matter how much we search in pursuit of them…

In line with my spiritual beliefs in a higher power, I believe that, only when we have left our physical bodies/ when our spirits are ‘at one’ with the universe again, will it all make sense. And so, we must all just live this bizarre, and perhaps at times, non sensical life that we have been given, to the full, even if we don’t fully ‘get it’ in this moment. Because one day, we will ‘get it.’ And that? That is something that I can get behind (unlike scary Santa…)

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