Portfolio of Hope

When the ache of hunger fills me up,

I tell myself:

‘You don’t need to eat.

You’re strong.

In control.’

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Am I disciplined,
or dying?

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When I stand in the kitchen,

a bar of chocolate calling my name from the fridge,

and I shut the door,

telling myself

‘no’,

reminding myself of that all too damaging quote;

‘a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips’,

I feel like I can finally exercise some self control,

for,

this is my choice,

‘to eat or not to eat?’

---

Am I disciplined,
or dying?

---

When I find myself asking;

‘Is food really worth it?’

I have to stop myself,

and ask,

‘What the hell are you doing?’

‘Why are you even contemplating going back to that place?!’

---

I’m not ‘disciplined’,
I’m dying.

---

But,

not anymore.

No longer will I throw my life away on something as superficial as a number on the scales.