Since you left me,
I’ve felt
happy,
and sad,
in equal measure.
Happy
because,
you’re gone.
Like a controlling boyfriend;
domineering,
unrelenting,
cruel to your core,
the relief from your absense
is a welcome one.
Yet still,
I feel a sense of sadness/
a sense of loss
from your absense.
Is that wrong?
Is it wrong that I actually miss you
sometimes?
Most of the time?
Is it wrong that I miss the control
you had over me,
as you’d tell me;
what to do/
what not to do,
who to be/
who not to be,
so that I didn’t have to do any thinking
for myself
(Unlike now,
when I do have to think for myself,
and the thoughts,
like a river,
come flooding back through my brain).
Whereas you were once my lifeboat,
there to keep me afloat,
now you’re gone,
and I’m on my own,
trying to weather the storm/
to rescue myself,
without you.
And so,
that is why
I grieve
for you/
that is why I reminisce over
all the years we spent
together,
a teenage friendship
all gone,
as I’m on my own,
again…
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