I remember the first time I contemplated the prospect of ‘nothingness’,
i.e., the prospect of death–
Lying awake in bed at night,
about something so much out of my control-
where we go when we die.
I can’t have been much older than 8 or 9,
and yet, my head was consumed by so much confusion/
so much existential dread,
the thought of my Mum,
not being here one day absolutely terrifying me.
When people talk about ‘looking God in the eye’, I think that was it for me.
my mind entering an abyss of nothingness,
the prospect of life (or rather, death), characterised by total desolation,
sheer emptiness filling my head-
it was this moment,
the first time I contemplated what it means to be alive,
(something that I’ve been contemplating ever since, for, like a black hole, once you enter that head space, you can’t turn back),
that I believe I,
‘looked God in the eye...’
Now I contemplate why I am alive to a lessening intensity, since, now I am of the realisation that what happens to us when we die/where we go when we die-
it’s all out of our control.
There is either something
or there is nothing.
If it’s the former,
if it’s the latter,
When I wake up early enough to see the sun rise, though,
when I see the way the birds move,
I think, surely there must be more?
Surely this mundane, worldly existence isn’t all there is?