Portfolio of Hope

Only abroad

do you find yourself waking up thirsty,

wanting a glass of water,

but not knowing whether the tap water’s safer to drink…

‘Will I get chronic diarrhea from this?!’

Don’t want to risk it,

can’t be bothered to Google it,

mouth feeling like a desert

until the next morning-



Only abroad

is it seen as ‘totally normal’-


to have a bowl of cereal,

followed by a full English,

followed by a piece of cheesecake?!

for breakfast-

might even push the boat out and go back up for a third piece of toast

if I’ve got about 20 minutes spare-

what is it with hotel toasters being so ridiculously slow??

And, why is the whole thing so fkin awkward?

Standing at the toaster-

hotel buffet breakfast-

stranger standing next to me-

toast taking ages-

and, there’s always one, isn’t there?

There’s always that one idiot

(& yes, I do feel this strongly about toast…),

who keeps popping their toast up to check if it’s done-

literally every two seconds-

unaware that every time they pop their toast up,

my toast pops up, too.

Standing in complete silence-

peak awkwardness-

the very definition,

by the time my toast is, finally, done,

I’ve forgotten why I’m even standing at the toaster in the first place…

Like when you go into a shop…

Only abroad

can you walk into a gift shop

(after choosing one from a, literal line up-

they’re usually next to each other/

on the same street-

how they all stay in business I have no idea),

and be met by Princess Diana’s face-

(God bless her soul)-

on a commemorative plate marking hers and Charles’ wedding

(a plate which looks as though it’s been on that shelf since the event itself– 1981-

maybe even before that date-

so much dust),

next to a Mr. Bean solar powered nodding head doll,

a bunch of cannabis leaf printed bucket hats,

and end up leaving with a life size cut out of Bob Marley…

Have I entered into some parallel universe?

The most random ‘stuff’-

I don’t know what else to call it-

for sale…


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