On a constant search for a sense of self
which is so deep rooted and strong internally–
a shout,
but which is so tiny externally–
a whisper,
I try
and fail,
try
and fail
to get them to align-
I try to get the way I look on the outside
to match who I am on the inside
over and over and over
again
but
to no avail
because
do I even know who I am?
other than that I am such a perfectionist/
that anything I do/
buy/
think/
say,
isn’t ‘good enough.’
‘The hairstyle looked great on them, it looks horrible on me.’
‘The jeans looked amazing on the ad, they make me look fat.’
‘I thought this would make me like who I am, it hasn’t.
Now I feel worse.’
No matter how much people tell me I look good, I can’t shake it-
I can’t shake the feeling of never being good enough,
of always feeling like the odd one out,
of never really feeling like I ‘belong‘ anywhere,
of being so…
‘different.’
But,
what else am I?
other than being a ‘perfectionist’ and ‘different?’
Who else am I
other than this?
According to my mind
I am lots of things,
all bad:
too ugly,
too fat,
too…
disgusting.
Every time I pass a mirror I see all these things
in myself-
I see everything that’s ‘wrong‘ with me,
my mind having convinced me that I am inherently ‘wrong.’
And so, despite me so desperately wanting to express myself-
to make the way I look on the outside
reflect who I am on the inside,
my self consciousness gets in the way
every time-
my self-esteem being so low
that I don’t want to draw any attention to myself…
I want to wear the boldest of patterns,
I want to dress myself like a walking rainbow,
to be completely at peace with the clashing prints,
to be completely at peace
with myself–
but, my fear of what people will think stops me,
despite these being the kind of people-
all the people who aren’t afraid to be different/
who aren’t afraid to go against the norm and be unapologetically themselves-
being the very ones who I find the most attractive/
who I would look at if I saw them out, for no reason other than to admire their outfit,
their face,
their whole vibe,
but,
for some unknown reason, a different rule applies to me…
because, if I see someone looking at me, it’s always, in my mind, because they’re thinking that I look so ‘ugly’,
‘fat’,
‘disgusting’-
all the things which my mind has convinced me that I am-
never stopping to consider the alternative(s)-
that they might not be looking at me at all
(or, not intentionally, anyway),
or even, quite possibly, that they are looking at me, but because they think that I look nice–
groundbreaking!!!
or not.
maybe just a realisation
that;
our minds are the problem-
our biggest critic-
not anyone else.
For, I could shave all my hair off,
grow a beard,
walk my dogs naked
(okay, maybe not the last one. I think there’s a law against that)
and the worst thing that would happen
(bar getting arrested for the last one)
is that people would look at me and question my sanity,
(something which I do all the time anyway).
But, on a serious note, to end with some important reminders
(as much for me as for you):
- No one is going to care about any changes you make to your appearance, no matter how drastic, as much as you do
because
- You are the main character in your own life, but not in anyone else’s
for
- Everyone else is too wrapped up in their own dramas to care too much about yours
and
- Even if they do care, in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not that big of a deal
- The world will continue to spin,
and
- you will continue to be you
(just, in my case, with a bit less hair)
So, the moral of this post I guess is to just…
wear whatever you want to wear,
do whatever you want to do,
be whoever you want to be,
and
make sure you wear it,
do it,
be it,
with confidence–
that truly is the most attractive thing.
Do that,
and everything else will follow suit
because,
not just a cheesy quote,
Happiness truly does ‘start from within’-
(i.e., you can’t expect happiness to come in any other areas of your life,
if you can’t even be happy with yourself).
So,
please,
give yourself a chance to be happy,
to be you.
Just give yourself a chance.
You are enough,
always have been,
and
you so deserve it,
always.
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