Everything that I struggle with in life,
ultimately,
all boils down to control*
*(it all boils down to wanting to be in it/
to have it-
control).
Then–
Anorexia,
a desperate attempt to regain control over my life which, at the time, felt so inherently out of my control.
Now–
OCD,
‘Detachment’,
‘Numbness‘-
a desperate attempt to do the same,
so uncontrollable every other aspect of life feels…
It’s why I struggle so much with forming relationships,
because,
in a relationship I can’t be totally in control-
I have to give up some of that control
which I have sought after for so long,
and that absolutely terrifies me.
It terrifies me because…
I can control the way I think about myself in my own mind,
but,
I can’t control the way other people think about me in their mind-
perceptions they have of me existing in their head,
not in mine,
perceptions that I will never know.
Terrifying.
It makes my self-esteem so bad,
because I’m always fearing the worst,
constantly thinking that, upon meeting me for the first time, people will think that I’m too…
‘other.’
And so, this is why I isolate myself so much,
because I know how I feel about myself–
I can control that-
but,
I won’t ever really know how you feel about me,
whether you’ll be judging the way I speak,
the way I dress,
who I am,
what I’m doing,
why I’m doing it-
anything.
I won’t know anything.
And yet,
the respite from my anxiety/
the way I can feel ‘in control’
is to know
everything.
(But, I can’t know what’s going on in someone else’s mind.
I have no control.
I know nothing).
Terrifying.
Terrifying.
Terrifying.
-social anxiety.
Leave a Reply