Everything that I struggle with in life,
all boils down to control*
*(it all boils down to wanting to be in it/
to have it-
a desperate attempt to regain control over my life which, at the time, felt so inherently out of my control.
a desperate attempt to do the same,
so uncontrollable every other aspect of life feels…
It’s why I struggle so much with forming relationships,
in a relationship I can’t be totally in control-
I have to give up some of that control
which I have sought after for so long,
and that absolutely terrifies me.
It terrifies me because…
I can control the way I think about myself in my own mind,
I can’t control the way other people think about me in their mind-
perceptions they have of me existing in their head,
not in mine,
perceptions that I will never know.
It makes my self-esteem so bad,
because I’m always fearing the worst,
constantly thinking that, upon meeting me for the first time, people will think that I’m too…
And so, this is why I isolate myself so much,
because I know how I feel about myself–
I can control that-
I won’t ever really know how you feel about me,
whether you’ll be judging the way I speak,
the way I dress,
who I am,
what I’m doing,
why I’m doing it-
I won’t know anything.
the respite from my anxiety/
the way I can feel ‘in control’
is to know
(But, I can’t know what’s going on in someone else’s mind.
I have no control.
I know nothing).