When I cast my mind back to 16/17 year old Lisa,
that girl/
that version of me
who was so lost/
so…
stuck,
in denial that she even had an eating disorder, let alone that she needed to/
that she deserved to/
recover from one,
I am filled with an overwhelming sense of…
regret?
for all of the things which I wish I could go back and tell her/
for all of the…
‘if only’s’-
hindsight.
‘If only’s’ like…
‘If only’ I had ‘found‘ spirituality then/
‘If only’ I had realised then, what I realise now–
that our bodies are literally nothing other than a vessel for our souls–
the things which really matter,
and that,
everything else?
Every other institution, system, ‘thing’, person, even, in society,
is nothing other than a construct
for our capitalist driven world*…
*A construct whererby,acquiring wealth is seen as the ‘be all and end all’–
the ‘superior goal‘-
our constant efforts to achieve such a, (as I only, now, realise), inherently meaningless state of being, translating to us forgetting who we are in the process…
Forgetting that we are, quite simply, ‘spiritual beings have a human experience‘/
that we are, in fact, simply the universe itself,
merely exressing itself as human for a little while…
If only that 16/17 year old version of Lisa could’ve realised all of this then/
i.e., if only I had embraced spirituality then,
then maybe I wouldn’t have found myself so ‘stuck.’
But, at that point in my life, I was so ‘stuck in the dark‘, that I couldn’t even see that there was a light switch there at all/
that there had, in fact, been a light switch there all along…
And so, without knowing that the light switch was there/
without knowing that the light switch even existed,
how could I have possibly moved to it/
how could I have even attempted to switch it on?
I couldn’t…
for,
‘you can’t be what you can’t see.’
With no knowledge of spiritulity-
no comprehension of who I truly was/
who I truly am–
a spirit–
to embrace spirituality would be a complete impossibility*
*(something which, looking back, is so crazy to me-
when, now?
My whole life centres around my belief in a higher power/
my whole life centres around my ‘connection’ to spirituality)…
Without this belief/
without this ‘connection’,
I genuinley don’t know where I’d be,
though, I suspect, I’d be in much of the same position as 16/17 year old Lisa-
so blindingly lost.
And so, this is why I am so thankful
that I found my ‘God’-
better late than never-
and, now that my eyes have been opened
to the light?
I know that I will NEVER revert back to the darkness,
for, I like it too much here–
in a place of light,
warmth,
hope,
recovery–
forever.
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