I turned 22 last week and, I couldn’t shake the feeling of nothing having changed… It’s why I hate birthdays… A big build up to celebrate yet another year having passed in which I feel like I’ve not really accomplished anything, like I’m in the same place I was in when I turned 21… But, upon reflecting back on this past year, I have to give myself credit where it’s due…
This year…
I have graduated from university,
& gone full time with my writing!! Best decision ever.
This year…
I have been through grief for the first time,
& my mum is coming up to 1 year sobriety.
This year…
I’ve started to dress in a way that reflects who I am, having covered myself in tats and come to the realisation that; gender expression does not equate to gender identity… I can dress head to toe in clothes from the men’s dept and still be a woman. I don’t have to exist in a binary of being solely a man or solely a woman (and, I have to say, that’s a very freeing place to be in)…
This year…
I’ve finally started spending money instead of hoarding it all for an unexplainable reason. Life is too short and, if I don’t spend it while I’m here, then, really, what’s the point??
This year…
I’ve fully embraced Anarchism, and I am one minor inconvenience away from getting rid of all my possessions, and going to live in a tent on top of Kinder Scout. It’s incredibly tempting…
&, I’ve come to realise that you can think philosophically about things- I believe that this life is comparable to a room in a building- we think that this one room is all there is, but, upon leaving the room, we realise that there is a whole mansion out there for us to explore- and still be a functioning(ish) member of society.
This year…
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never feel “normal”, because, the expectation of what that is, is based on neurotypical standards (which, I am very much not)…
&, in coming to terms with my neurodivergence, I have embraced the weird Aspie traits I have- they give my life purpose. With me, everything is very much ‘all or nothing.’ When it’s ‘all’, I feel things ridiculously deeply, embarrassingly so at times, but that has given me access to feelings and emotions that other people might never have access to. And, my ‘special interests!!’ My biggest special interest is learning- I never want to stop, so I constantly cram as much into my brain as I possibly can. When I was in hospital and sectioned, feeling like the whole world was against me, no one telling me anything, my running coach used to say “knowledge is power”, and, that is something that’s stuck with me. I really do believe that ‘knowledge is power.’ It’s why I love writing so much, and interviewing some of the coolest women ever, because it’s my way of making sense of the world. Mental health, philosophy, queerness, feminism, all the things that I feel the most deeply about, I give EVERYTHING to.
The biggest one, though, this year…
I’ve managed to stay in recovery, to stay in control of food and exercise, to stay ALIVE!!!! 16 year old lisa would be mad confused at how I’ve made it to 22, but, I have, and that has to be the biggest accomplishment. Something that’s seemingly so simple, so ‘unthinktwiceable’ (new word)- ‘just’ staying alive- and yet, it’s been the biggest achievement for me…
Sometimes, it takes a moment of reflection like this for us to realise just how much we actually have accomplished. Amid all the mundane-ness of day to day life, it’s far too easy for us to forget, but, when you stop and consider it, you realise that it all adds up. All the small things come together to see you progress in unimaginable ways…
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m scared about the state of the world at the minute, I can’t wash over that… The people in charge of our country are corrupt, self-centered idiots, the world is practically on fire, the news is full of so much hate, and, a personal one- my Grandad has been told his cancer is back, but there IS still good out there, it’s just a case of us needing to look a bit harder for it, amidst all the crap…
Things I’m looking forward to @22 –
- Interviewing more people, because… I just really like people. I like asking deep questions of people that they, hopefully, haven’t been asked before (the benefit of having a funny brain), and that readers will get something from.
- Sharing more poems that make me feel really vulnerable and exposed.
- Solo travelling!! I went to New York when I was 13 and, I really want to go back. To go and write and people watch and take photos- a dream.
& now for the boring (but important) things…
- To stop saying so much crap about myself- Anyone who knows me will know that I am THE most self deprecating person around. Someone could hand me a million pounds and say, ‘do what you want with it’, and I’d STILL be obsessively worrying- about spending it ‘wrong’- like the ever pessimistic pessimist that I am… I am trying to get better with it though. For all the days when I feel “fat”, when I’m pinching my stomach to check if the way I feel is real. For all the days when I feel so uncomfortable and just want to crawl out of my skin and back into my teenage (anorexic) body. For all the days when I catch sight of myself in a mirror and feel like I never want to leave the house again because, ‘just look at me’, this is a reminder for all of those times. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel “happy” with my body, or with the way that I look- if it’s not my stomach, it’s my thighs, if it’s not my thighs, it’s my face- there’s always something that I’m unhappy with, but recognising that absolutely NOTHING that I have accomplished this year has in any way been shaped by the way that I look offers an undeniable sense of relief. Recognising that, if I was 1kg heavier, I’d STILL have graduated from university, and I’d STILL be writing- so freeing. It really is true when people say that ‘your body is the least interesting thing about you…’
So, to ‘stop saying so much crap about myself’- I think that would help a lot, and just about sums it all up, really-
striving for inner peace
<3
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~progress.
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