Portfolio of Hope

people on sidewalk selective focal photo

Some of the time,
(most of the time),
I don’t really know who I am.
I catch a glimpse of who I think I might be,
a lapse in feeling…
and then, as quick as it arrives, it’s gone.
A sacred feeling,
and yet
one that is so fleeting.

Who am I?
A question that I’m constantly asking myself,
that I’ve constantly been asking myself
seemingly forever,
having just felt ‘wrong’ my whole life-
an outcast-
but never able to pinpoint the source of that wrongness
(Autism but, for the longest time, I thought I was just incapable at human-ing)…

At school, I often felt like I could just disappear and that no one would even notice my absence.
Forever feeling confused about my identity,
never really knowing where I fit in,
did I ever fit in?

I was the epitome of the whole ‘you’re not like other girls’ trope, but not in a cool, mysterious way, just in a cringingly quiet, and un-opinionated one…

Only now am I coming to realise that; maybe the reason why I’ve struggled to understand myself for so long, is because who I am is not definable, really, for,
I am the sum of my parts-

In equal parts, I am a combination of all the people I have met…
Strong, smart, beautiful women
who inspire me
to learn,
to grow,
to be a better human,
opening my eyes to the world around me, a world outside of my own head.

Of my family
my mum, dad, sister, grandparents,
who show me the purest kind of love-
it knows no bounds,
and of my friends.

Of all the past versions of Lisa-
Dancer, Runner, Photographer,
and, of all the present versions of Lisa-
Daughter, Granddaughter, Younger Sister, Cousin, Niece, Friend, Writer…

And so, the opposite of lost,
I am united,
as one
with everyone I love.

I am all of these versions,
all at once.
This is who I am.

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