Portfolio of Hope

a pink jigsaw puzzle piece with drawing of a heart

I’m neurodivergent, which means that I see the world differently.

I get obsessed with things, and, sometimes, people, easily. Things become a hyperfocus, and, in such a state, like addiction, it’s so hard, if not impossible, to stop.

I’ve always felt different, like an ‘outlier’, yet, prior to realising that I was neurodivergent, I was never able to pin it on anything. Until I did (realise) and then it all made sense…

Other nonsensical things that became a bit less nonsensical after my diagnosis:

  • Not being able to eat food straight from the oven- When I cook a jacket potato I have to, and this is no exaggeration, put it in the fridge for 10 minutes before I can eat it.
  • Not being able to drink hot drinks- so sensitive to heat (in my mouth) and yet, I get baths that feel like sitting in the depths of hell they’re so hot.
  • Not being able to stand fizzy drinks- they feel ‘spicy’ to me, I still can’t explain it.
  • Feeling stressed/overwhelmed about literally everything, even things which I should be really excited about, like going on holiday? Anything out of the mundane gives me major pda. I can’t stop thinking about it until it’s done. This is due to the next point…
  • Rigidity in routines- I have a strong preference for routines and ‘sameness’, and so I find change extremely difficult to cope with, even small, seemingly insignificant, changes like leaving the house 10 minutes later than usual. Having routines which become almost ‘ritualistic’ in their nature, they help me to manage my anxiety as they introduce order, structure and predictability into my life, a life which can often feel otherwise very overwhelming and uncontrollable, thus acting as a ‘counterbalance to the chaos…’
  • Needing to plan everything to the finest of details- to relieve stress/anxiety.
  • Constantly feeling ‘other’/being described as ‘wise beyond my years’ as a kid but now, as an adult, feeling so much younger than everyone else. People my own age confuse me because I feel so different.
  • ‘Oversharing’- I cannot, for the life of me, engage in small talk, I just want to know the big things- attachment styles, childhood trauma, tell me it all, even if we’ve just met. The prospect of sitting at the hairdressers answering questions about how many siblings I have, what I do for work, what my plans for the weekend are etc, and feeling the need to ask those questions back even though I have no interest in knowing the answers (not arrogant, just autistic) gives me literal anxiety, whereas, let me ask you about the source of your mental health issues and when I say I’ll be hooked, I’ll be HOOKED.
  • Diagnosing myself with a new mental health condition every week, but then realising, ‘you’re just riddled with autism, love.’
  • Contradicting pain tolerance levels- Inner pain (coming from the inside)= low tolerance (feeling EVERYTHING), VS external pain (inflicted upon me)= high tolerance (feeling numb).
  • Being unable to concentrate unless there’s total silence.
  • Overthinking everything– My mind is constantly whirring with thoughts, always going at a million miles an hour, no off switch. This has its bonuses though. In overthinking things that other people wouldn’t think twice about, like the nature of existence, I am a good philosophiser as I; examine the world in great depth, and don’t just accept things for the way they are- I’m constantly questioning why things are the way they are…
  • Difficulties with verbal communication- I struggle to communicate in the ‘outer’ world sometimes, but my ‘inner’ world is constantly simulated as a result of my constant overthinking of everything. I know what I want to say, I just can’t find the words fast enough sometimes. I write much better than I talk.
  • Needing to finish what I start at any cost. Even if there is no deadline for something, I will stay awake all night just to get it finished.

See? Absolutely riddled x

3 responses to “Things That Make Sense When You Realise You’re Autistic”

  1. Thanks for sharing! I can relate to some of those things. Keep writing. It helps our brains I think!

  2. Writing definitely helps. My brain always feel so full of ideas so being able to write (/type) those ideas out offers a welcome release!

  3. Me too! Its over flowing with ideas sometimes.

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