‘Men Fear Being Laughed At’, ‘Women Fear Being Killed’: How Complicit Attitudes Towards Misogyny Are Killing Our Youth.
As women, we’ve historically been told that we need men to ‘protect’ us because, on our own, women are weak, vulnerable little things, at risk from all the woes of society (which is ironic when, the biggest ‘woe’ of a woman’s life is, unquestionably, men- the very same people who inform us of our need for their protection being precisely those whom we need protecting from)…
Not just me being an ‘angry feminist man hater’, the above is something which is proven in official statistics.
‘Men’s violence against women is a leading cause of premature death for women globally, with six women being killed by men every hour around the world, and one woman being killed by men every three days in the UK.’
And, another shocking statistic:
‘In England and Wales, 92% of female murder victims were killed by men in the year ending March 2021.’
The fact that so many women are dying at the hands of men, men who, in most cases, they have been in a relationship with (globally, 82% of women are murdered by an ex-partner…), is a stark reminder of just how volatile a situation it is to be a woman in the world today…
Why Do Men Kill Women?
Men seem to think that they have a hold over us, that they are in power, in control. The UN point to this explanation themselves in describing violence against women and girls as ‘a construct of power and a means of maintaining the status-quo.’
Seemingly incapable of handling rejection, they take the stance that; ‘if I can’t have you, then no one can.’
**Now, before anyone reads this and responds with ‘#Not all men’, I know that it’s ‘not all men’, but the point is that it is men. It is men who are overwhelmingly responsible for killing women. It is men who are disproportionately found to kill their partners/ex partners because they can’t handle rejection. Both of these being facts which are down in black and white for all to see in the form of official statistics- irrefutable.**
Behind every woman killed at the hands of a man, there is a trail of grief, a trail of wasted potential, missed opportunities, unspent love…
On Wednesday morning (27/09), a 15 year old girl, (named yesterday as Elianne Andam, year 11 student at one of the best ranked all girls private schools in London, ‘The Old Palace Of John Whitgift’), was stabbed to death in Croydon, South London, whilst on her way to school. The attack occurred at 8:30am and Elianne, after being stabbed in the neck with, what was described as resembling a ‘sword’, despite efforts to save her both from passer-by’s and the emergency services, was tragically pronounced dead at the scene…
Breaking news came this morning (29/09) that a 17 year old boy has been charged with Eliannes murder (and possession of a knife). He cannot be named for legal reasons due to his age, but he awaits trial at the Old Bailey where he is due to appear on Tuesday (03/10), and will be remanded in youth detention (custody) until then.
All stabbings, all loss of lives are tragic, of course, but, this one has had a particularly profound impact on people, including people who didn’t even know Elianne…
Since this tragic (and wholly senseless) killing was reported, there have been swathes of messages of condolences coming in from people expressing their shock and horror at how this could happen, how an innocent young life could be so maliciously taken away on our streets. It hits home more, not only because of her age- how all her potential, all her aspirations, (Elianne dreamt of becoming a lawyer when she left school, as her Mum is quoted as saying), has been thrown away, but also because of the reasons surrounding the stabbing that have been coming to light in the days since the attack.
The 17 year old boy who has been charged with Eliannes murder was reportedly known to Elianne, something which is, terrifyingly, not a surprise. The most recent data from the ONS shows that 60% of women killed in England or Wales last year (2022) knew their suspected killer.
This has opened up a conversation online surrounding femicide, and how women are made to live in fear that they won’t come home simply for rejecting a mans advances, or, as has been reported as having happened in this case, stepping in to help a friend who is trying to reject a mans advances…
On Wednesday morning when Elianne was fatally stabbed, allegedly an argument had broken out between Elianne’s friend and her friends ex boyfriend (the murderer), while they were travelling on a bus. The boy tried to give Elianne’s friend a bouquet of flowers and a love note, but she didn’t want to know. After disembarking the bus the argument continued as they were seen fighting over a bag containing Elianne’s friends belongings. A witness reports that it was in this moment that she [Elianne] tried to get in between the pair and retrieve her friends belongings from the bag. With tensions running high, Elianne was fatally stabbed (multiple times) as a result.
She was 15.
15…
and she was just trying to help her friend…
A whole life cut short by an immature boy incapable of handling rejection.
The Margaret Atwood quote;
“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them”
seems very fitting to reference here…
All men have to fear in the company of women is the embarrassment of being rejected. Women, however, women have to fear being killed. And so, women have two choices, to not reject men, even if they want to, even if they’re in an abusive relationship, or are just not interested in them (and ‘just’ being not interested is reason enough to reject a man, by the way. We don’t owe men anything), or, to reject men, and risk being killed because of it. In other words, the choices are; endure living a miserable life, or get used to the idea of not having a life at all… A catch-22, lose-lose situation…
What Can Men Do To Help Women Feel Safer?
Knowing the fear that we face as women, as so many of us have professed, whether through writing (like this), speaking, or via our actions (crossing the road when we see a man approaching, not going out past a certain time, whatever it may be), instead of their first reaction being to ram ‘#NOT ALL MEN!!’ down our throats, men should…
1) Recognise their privilege, as men, to be able to go out and live in a world in which they don’t have to fear being attacked (or killed)…
&
2) Don’t just say ‘not all men’, prove* it.
*(‘Proving’ it doesn’t just mean not being actively involved in inducing fear in women, by the way. It also means not being complicit in standing by while other people do it, for, to sit back and watch abuse being inflicted on someone without doing or saying anything is, arguably, just as bad as the abuse itself)…
Don’t Be Complicit In Misogyny
If you’re a man and you’re with a group of friends who are misogynistic in their attitudes towards women, make your disapproval at the attitudes they hold known…
Some men, especially teenagers who are impressionable, act from a place of wanting to earn respect from other men. They think that by objectifying women, they will earn respect within a ‘lad culture’ that ultimately promotes such misogynistic attitudes towards women. As a man, making it clear that you don’t want to be a part of that culture though, it means that your friends are less likely to act in such a hateful way towards women because, they have no one to impress/their degradation of women would in fact have the opposite effect of impressing you…
So, the message here is: don’t be complicit. Be clear that you condemn misogyny, that it doesn’t ‘impress you’, that it doesn’t earn you some sort of ‘street cred’, that it is wrong.
Had another boy stood up for Elianne’s friend on the bus on Wednesday morning, maybe there would’ve been a different outcome. A girl still alive. A family not having to bury their 15 year old daughter. But, because no boy did stand up for her, because the murderers friend turned a blind eye, Elianne did [stand up for her], and she got herself murdered in the process…
Not a ‘gender’ issue, (some) men are not misogynistic and violent against women simply because they are born male, but a cultural issue rooted in patriarchy… Whereby, patriarchy- the source of misogyny and violence against women- is upheld by men, whether knowingly, or unknowingly…
Ultimately, we need to reform the way that men view women. We need to transform the whole essence of what ‘lad culture’ means. We need to ensure that treating women with respect and condemning misogynistic attitudes is the norm. We need to do this so that women can walk the streets and live their lives, without living in fear that their lives will be ended at the hands of a man (or rather, at the hands of a mans warped ideas of what it means to be a ‘man’)…
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